Be Careful When You Get In My Bed
there is power in the stories we don't tell
I wish that it hadn't ever happened. I was trying to fill my cup with air. Waving my hands, frantically, I had been trying to bottle up a warm breeze, all while sinking.
I wish I hadn't met you, and I don't feel that way about many people - actually, really, no one. I'm sad that I feel that way about you; I'm sad for you. You were such an oppressive presence, it must be hard to be you (or maybe not).
But it was hardest to be around you. And that is why I wish I hadn't met you.
There are no redeeming memories to pore over; none that could melt my heart now. No inside jokes, no sex marathons, and no moments of surrender.
Accountability dies when there is oppression in a relationship. Who could hold you accountable when I could always exit through the door? I wasn't born into the circumstance. Where there is free will, you will always be redeemed.
Right now, I can't answer why I shut the door and locked myself in with you.
I wanted stability. You were that. You were always looming, I could count on that. Always needy. Always chiding. Maybe I was sick, and you were meant to be medicine.
I'm not much of an artist or craftsman, but I love puzzles. It took me three decades but now I realize, some puzzles were meant to be unfinished. Some puzzles are missing pieces, others need to go back in the box because I can't make space for them. There is no reason to suffer through a puzzle only to prove that I can complete it. There is no prize for that.
I have so much to look forward to now - even loneliness is a sanctuary, one that I have missed for a long time.
I hope you find peace and stillness.